


The King Becoming Graces

by Diamondmask



Series: Promises and Scars [4]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Chivalry, Family Secrets, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Loyalty, M/M, Magic, Master/Servant, Oaths & Vows, Trust, Trust Issues, kingship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 13:38:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diamondmask/pseuds/Diamondmask
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With Merlin beginning to heal after his captivity and rape, Arthur should be at peace. However, his new found knowledge of Camelot and the its people makes him look again at his father's methods of rule and the nature of Kingship - and kinship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. By Oath and by Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This section has three chapters.

Arthur was finding it more and more difficult to bend to his father’s will at Council meetings. He knew his people and could no longer accept the arrogant assumption of right that the King projected. Chillham was a case in point.

Arthur had tried to be calm. 

“We cannot ask them for more taxes Sire, their sheep were fly-blown this summer, they could not sell their wool. If we ask them for coin they will have to sell their seed grain and then they will starve next season.”

“You are sentimental, Arthur. It is the peasants’ duty to pay their dues to their lord in return for protection. That is their purpose and our purpose. How they come by the coin is not my concern” 

“What are we protecting them from” said Arthur heatedly, pounding the table in front of the King, “if the price of our protection is their starvation”

That earned him a night in the cells. 

 

Merlin sat outside the door for the night, because, as he said : in a dungeon, being alone in the dark could really mess with your head. With mutual agreement, no one mentioned how he knew this.   
Merlin did mention that Arthur got a much nicer cell than he had got but he went quiet when Jinny’s Robin said that the cell he had been in was used for sorcerers and other condemned prisoners who generally did not come back to complain. Neither wished to be reminded how close he came to death.   
Robin sat with them for his shift, talking of his Jinny and giving Arthur more of an insight into the lives of those who lived and worked around him. He ruefully realised that another wedding gift of coin would be called for soon. 

As the night drew on Arthur felt the dark, and was glad of the touch of thin fingers under the door, but in the morning, Chillham was still going to starve and nothing had changed. 

 

Uther would never listen. 

 

Arthur went to training but after he had felled a few of the younger knights Merlin quietly but firmly took him aside and he spent a destructive hour pounding the punching bag. It was only when a particularly violent punch sent Merlin flying that he stopped. 

“I am so bloody helpless!” he shouted to no one.  
“I’m the one lying on my back not able to get up” said Merlin in frustration.  
Arthur gave his hand and pulled Merlin standing but he was still wound up.  
“Those people are going to starve next year because of what is happening now and I can see it and I can’t stop it!” 

 

“I know, Arthur, I know” Merlin took his hands. They were never affectionate in public and rarely even touched so this caused Arthur to still.   
“Arthur, we can only do what we can. Think like a servant. Think small, think what can be done, don’t try to change the whole world, just change a bit at a time”  
“What can I change?” whispered Arthur in despair.   
Merlin smiled “I’m just a servant. Must I think of everything?” 

 

That evening Arthur was quiet. This was not unusual but Merlin sensed a deeper reluctance to talk than his customary silence. He took out Igraine’s seal and held it, moving it from hand to hand. This was something he did more often now. Merlin surmised that as he grew further from his father he sought a connection with his mother. The seal was all he had of her. 

 

Abruptly he spoke.   
“I need to go out. I will not require your presence” his tone was brusque and Merlin felt dismissed.   
“Why?” he asked, trying not to sound hurt.  
Arthur turned to him. “I’m sorry Merlin, I wish to be unnoticed. You ....” he stopped but Merlin felt a blush of humiliation on his cheeks. He was noticeable: The Prince’s limping manservant, identifiable by his gait. 

 

“Just be careful” he said. “and don’t wear the blue cloak. That just shrieks Prince-in-disguise” He turned away to hide his pain. “I’ll just wait here then” 

“I may be some time” said the Prince, wrapping himself in a suitably nondescript cloak.   
He left. 

 

For a moment Merlin toyed with the idea of using a spell and following him. He could disguise himself magically, or make himself invisible, it could work.   
He resisted.   
If Arthur wanted him to know he would tell him. And if he didn’t? If, in his distress, Arthur had gone to some girl in the town? If at this moment he was knocking at the door of some humble house, having it opened by a girl, welcoming but shy, what then? 

 

Merlin grudgingly acknowledged that he would still love him, still be here. But the thoughts unsettled him and he found the empty room too much. He went to his own small chamber, more of an alcove than an antechamber and waited there.

 

When Arthur did return he looked crushed and did not speak as Merlin prepared the bed. Given his earlier thoughts Merlin was hesitant about joining him, looking towards the uninviting alcove.   
“Stay with me” Arthur’s voice was insistent and the hand at his wrist was desperate.   
Merlin did.

 

oOo

 

The next morning Arthur had a task for Merlin.  
“Go the goldsmith in the town. He will have a bag of coin for you. I trust him but count it anyway. There should be 100 silver shillings. Take your horse and bring it to Cadoc at Chillham. Tell him on no account are they to sell the seed grain.” Arthur paused.

“And Merlin? Don’t fall on bandits or get attacked by a mysterious monster or ..”

“I don’t do it on purpose you know.” said Merlin indignantly. “Things just happen to me” 

“I am serious Merlin, please be careful. I can’t send anyone else..”

Merlin broke into a huge grin  
“You mean anyone else would be too noticeable” he said smugly. 

 

As it turned out the journey there and back again was uneventful, no trolls or dragons or indeed any distractions. Merlin wished Arthur could have seen the look of hope on Cadoc’s face when he saw the coins.   
“You tell our Prince” he had said, “you tell him..” but then he had stopped, lost for words at the enormity of what the Prince’s gift meant. Merlin understood. 

 

As he rode back towards Camelot, Merlin started putting things together in his mind. Contrary to what many thought, being a prince did not mean being rich. Arthur had possessions but not coin.   
The wedding pouch he had given to Tom had coincided with the disappearance of a ring Arthur had liked.   
Merlin wondered what would have disappeared this time, and then feared the answer. 

 

When he arrived back at the castle he made straight for Arthur’s room. A quick search of the chest revealed the empty silk wrapping that once contained Igraine’s seal. Taking the silk in his hand, Merlin walked to the window – Arthur’s brooding post – and reflected.   
He hadn’t thought it possible to love Arthur any more but he had been wrong. Holding the empty silk in his hand he felt a surge of emotion that left him reeling.

 

When Arthur came in he was still there.  
“Merlin,” Arthur said with a smile. “Good, I don’t have to rescue you from some troll’s cave then”   
Merlin turned, holding the silk covering.  
“Arthur?” he said.

 

Arthur looked at the piece of cloth that had held a part of his identity. “A wise person told me once” he began, “not to change the world just to change a bit at a time.   
This I found I could do. People matter more than things” and in a much lower tone “I hope she might understand” 

“Do you understand what gift you have given those people? Really understand” Merlin moved forward towards the prince. 

“I am a peasant.” he went on, “I understand. I spent winter days scouring the woods for something, anything, to eat and still went to bed hungry, listening to my mother cry because she had to pay tax and could not feed her child.   
I saw the people of Chillham. They understand. You gave them hope, and a season free from fear of hunger.” 

 

Merlin stood before Arthur and then fell to one knee.

“I know I do not have noble blood and I will never have the skills to be worthy of knighthood but would you accept fealty from a peasant? Would you accept my oath despite my birth?”

Arthur was still. Was this a game? But Merlin was looking at him with an expression he had not seen before and his hands were raised, palms together in the gesture of fealty. Arthur’s lighthearted response died on his lips as he saw Merlin’s face and, moved by what he saw there he took Merlin’s hands between his own.

“I Merlin, son of Hunith of Ealdor swear by hand and mouth that I will be faithful unto you Arthur Pendragon of Albion: that with my body I will protect your person; that by my words I will protect your honour;   
that by my actions I will uphold your justice;   
and in all things I will not hinder you or thwart you or stand in your right path but rather will love what you love, shun what you shun and be in all ways your true man until the end of time.  
This I swear: may magic witness it. So shall it be.” 

 

The air seemed to shimmer as Merlin finished speaking. Arthur felt the tension in the hands he held between his. This was real, as real as any knight pledging his allegiance. Arthur knew his response.

 

“Since you, Merlin of Ealdor have freely offered your fealty, so I Arthur of Cam..” Arthur stumbled and then took up Merlin’s title for him;  
“of Albion freely accept it. I shall be as your liege lord. My sword shall protect you, my laws shall uphold you, your hurt shall be my hurt and you shall be my true man. So Shall it be.”

He drew Merlin up and completed the ritual with the three kisses, one on each cheek, the last on the lips. ‘Don’t switch’ he thought. ‘Don’t lose this’ .

Merlin breathed softly. “I am yours Arthur Pendragon, by oath and by heart until the end of time.”


	2. His Mother's Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Arthur finds family bonds beyond the Pendragon and Merlin is reminded that he is a servant.

Whether it was fate or destiny, a few days after Arthur gave up his mother’s seal, his mother’s brother came to Camelot. Agravaine had been travelling and Arthur had never met him before but he was glad to welcome his mother’s kin to Camelot. Agravaine was charming and seemed to have a relaxed attitude to magic.

At dinner on the first evening after his arrival, he spoke of his travels.  
“I spent many years in Banba on my travels. You would not approve of it Uther, for magic is not just permitted, it is encouraged. Every royal household has its draoi or druid as we say and using magic to put your enemies faoi draoicht, under magic is common practice.”

“They will learn the folly of their ways. Magic is evil and those who use it are a plague that must be wiped out. My solution to the evil that is magic is final and Camelot will be cleansed of their presence. Banba will learn” 

Arthur stiffened as Uther spoke. He still had nightmares of Merlin’s possible discovery. 

Agravaine may have noted Arthur’s reaction for he took the prince aside after the dinner. 

“I see my brother-in-law’s attitude to magic has hardened while I’ve been away. It pains me to say it but maybe it is a blessing my sister died when she did”  
Arthur was shocked at hearing his uncle speak so lightly of Igraine’s death.  
“I have never seen her death as a blessing, Sir” he said stiffly.  
“Igraine followed the old ways” said Agravaine, “she had little magic but she was determined to learn to use it. Better for you to mourn a mother you never knew than to remember her dying on a pyre” 

Agravaine walked on. Arthur stopped. 

Igraine had magic? Arthur could not comprehend it.  
“Wait!” he called to Agravaine. “My mother... tell me”  
Agravaine turned back.  
“Igraine and I, and you Arthur, come from a lineage far older and greater than that of the Pendragons. Some say we go back to the swan maiden wife of Weland. You have magic in your veins Arthur, whether Uther likes it or not. Have you never thought of flirting with magic?”

Absently, Arthur thought that flirting with Merlin did not count. His response was automatic.

“I uphold the laws of Camelot” 

“Yes,” said Agravaine, “you are your father’s son”. He walked a few steps, then turned

“Have you ever thought of being your mother’s?” 

 

oOo

 

Arthur told Merlin of this encounter though he did not add that his nightmares now included Igraine on the pyre with Merlin.

Merlin’s first interaction with Agravaine did not go well.  
Coming round a corner too awkwardly he crashed into the lord, sending him flying and covering him with most of Arthur’s breakfast. 

“You clumsy fool” Agravaine shouted “I’ll have you flogged for this”  
“I’m sorry My Lord” said Merlin as he tried to pick up the broken bits of detritus on the floor. “Please My Lord, please, don’t...” Merlin hated to beg but his only thought was that if he had to report to that room again Arthur would be so angry.  
“I have seen you before...that limp.. who are you?”  
“ I’m Merlin? Arthur’s..um servant?”  
“Arthur? You mean the Prince of Camelot? You’re very familiar. Wait. You’re the boy he went to such pains to have returned to him”  
“Um yes?”  
Agravaine sneered. “Well I suppose it would irritate my nephew to have such a ‘valuable’ servant punished. You may go”  
Merlin turned to go.  
“Wait boy. Where are you from?”  
“Ealdor. It’s a small....”  
“I know it. You are peasant born”  
Merlin was defiant “Yes”  
“In Banba there is a saying that it is unfortunate for the peasant to attach himself to the household of a king” Agravaine’s voice was smooth.  
“Is that unfortunate for the peasant or for the King, Sir” asked Merlin.  
“I suppose we will have to see” said Agravaine. 

 

After that Merlin tried to avoid the noble lord.  
This was not easy as Arthur sought out his uncle’s company very often.

“Does that servant of yours follow you everywhere?” said Agravaine with irritation as Merlin accompanied Arthur and his uncle on a visit to the Library.  
“Yes” said Arthur, “Merlin is very attentive”  
Merlin had to drop a book and stoop to pick it up to cover his blushes. Arthur had said the same the night before in a very different context.  
Merlin did not tell Arthur about his encounter with Agravaine. Arthur was happy and Merlin did not want to upset that. 

 

oOo

 

Arthur had rescinded his ban on Merlin going on patrol, mainly he had to admit, because he feared leaving him alone. He spoke seriously to ‘Merlin’s team’ – those knights who knew of Merlin’s magic, threatening that if they froze expecting Merlin to save them, fear of bandits killing them would be the least of their worries. 

The knights themselves had heard of Merlin’s misadventures with indignation and resignation. They hurt for him but put it down to Merlin’s ability to attract trouble. Only Gwaine and Leon knew enough to assume there was more to the Maleagant story. Gwaine took Merlin aside after one training session.

“Next time” he hissed. “You plan better, you have back up and you work a cover story that is believable.” He pulled Merlin into his characteristic bear hug “or just let me deal with it” he whispered.

Leon was more circumspect. He just nodded approvingly at Merlin. 

 

But there were few scheduled patrols. The weather was bleak and even the bandits were staying in. Arthur was not put off.  
“The kitchen will be needing game for the Mid Winter feast,” he pointed out. “I feel obligated to help them out”  
“You just want to get out of the castle and chase something” Merlin said resignedly.  
“Don’t you want to get out too?”  
“No. I like being warm” He snuggled closer to Arthur. The conversation, like most of their real conversations was taking place in Arthur’s bed. Sometimes Merlin felt it was the only place he felt real. Everywhere else he and Arthur were playing a part; the prince, the servant, the warrior, the fool. Here they were they were just two people, and even their love was only one element of the bond between them.  
“So, hunting with the team?” he asked.  
“My uncle has expressed an interest” Arthur said, “so no magic, Merlin, just old fashioned hunting skills”  
“I don’t have those” Merlin complained. “I’ll frighten the game and get shouted at” 

 

Arthur looked at the way the firelight highlighted the planes and shadows on Merlin’s face and resisted the urge to touch him. Touching Merlin had become almost an obsession, made stronger by the fact that, outside this room he could not do so.  
“What are you looking at” Merlin asked quizzically. “Have I got a smut on my check again?”  
“I’m just committing you to memory” said Arthur, half joking.  
“Why? I’m not going anywhere?”  
“Yes you are, you are going hunting with me tomorrow” said Arthur smugly.  
Merlin harrumphed and dived under the covers with a shiver.  
“See anything you like down there?” Arthur asked with a smile  
“Actually yes” said Merlin, throwing the covers off both of them.  
“Merlin! It’s freezing!”  
“Tomorrow we won’t even have a room let alone a bed” said Merlin “Now hush, and don’t move, I want to look at you”

 

His narrowing eyes took in his prince, from the blond hair, tousled from the pillow, his full lips, slightly parted, his shoulders and chest, marked with scars that told tales, down to his straining sex, eager for release. Merlin smiled.  
“What?” said Arthur.  
“You've been eating too many honey cakes” he said lightly . Arthur took the pillow from beneath his head and threw it. “Merlin!” he huffed as he felt his arousal grow.  
“Shhh” said Merlin, leaning in and feathering a kiss over Arthur’s lips. “wait for me my King” 

Arthur watched as Merlin’s eyes flashed gold for an instant and a jar of oil floated from the cupboard to his hand. Coating his fingers liberally with oil, Merlin carefully reached around and inserted one and then more, stretching himself while all the time his eyes were locked on Arthur’s.

“Tomorrow night” he said conversationally, “when we’re cold and miserable you will remember we could be doing this instead.” He drizzled oil onto the prince’s erection, smoothing it over but barely touching. Arthur groaned.  
“Have patience” Merlin said, kissing him again. 

He positioned himself carefully and with a little manoeuvring slowly seated himself and drew Arthur inside.  
“We’re not doing anything now” cried Arthur in frustration, “Move Merlin!” Merlin pulled himself up and then, gaining his rhythm, thrust faster making Arthur moan in desperation.  
“Come for me Arthur, come for me now” Merlin said  
And Arthur did. 

This was nothing he had experienced before. The room spun and disappeared and every nerve ending strummed with life, colours blended into colours, shapes blurred. As his body hummed to wave after wave of pleasure, his mind seemed to see a great disc, swirled with blue and wispy white and from the disc he felt a song that wrung his ear with ripples of joy that echoed in his body. 

When he came back to his life, Merlin was lying on his chest, his breathing swift and shallow.  
“What was that?” Arthur whispered.  
“That?” Merlin answered, his voice tired and proud and little bit smug, “That was magic”  
“Merlin?” Arthur was grasping for words.  
Merlin drew his fingers across his lover’s lips. “I wanted you to see” he said “I wanted you to see it’s not all throwing stuff and pretty lights. I don’t understand it either but I wanted you to see”

 

Arthur sighed deeply.  
“Could you do that again?” he said tentatively.  
“Uh huh” said Merlin sleepily. “But not tonight. It’s a pity we’re going hunting tomorrow”  
Arthur laughed.  
Merlin nestled closer and felt his prince’s arms tighten around him. 

 

oOo

 

The next day dawned bright and frosty, clear skies promising a good day. As the hunting party rode out Arthur felt happy.  
Hunting for the table gave him all the thrill of the chase without the moral ambiguities of hunting for men and, in the forest Arthur felt at home, able to rely on instinct and not politics for survival.  
He was surprised to see Merlin at the back of the column instead of in his usual place beside the prince and wondered if this was his lover’s way of showing his displeasure at being dragged away from the warm fires of Camelot. Arthur caught his eye and gave him his royal smile before taking his place beside his uncle. 

 

Agravaine kept his nephew’s interest with a story of Weland Smith who forged a sword for an ancient king. When the king turned on Weland, the Smith of the Gods cursed the king and the sword. What was interesting was that Agravaine treated the story as history not myth and Arthur would have been more intrigued had he not found himself wishing Merlin was there to share it with.

 

Merlin was miserable. He had not chosen to take the rear of the column. When he had ridden to the courtyard Agravaine had called him aside.

“It may be your custom to accompany my nephew everywhere, but it is not mine to discourse with peasants. Take your place with the pack horses as befits your status” 

Merlin did so to avoid a row but he fully expected Arthur to call him forward. When the prince just gave his best pratish smile Merlin felt deflated. To make matters worse he realised his folly in playing so enthusiastically the night before. He was sore and a day in the saddle was going to be a nightmare. He didn’t even have any of his ‘team’ to talk to. Apart from the Prince and his uncle, the hunting party consisted of Sir Lionel who considered Merlin beneath him, Sir Gareth, who though he passed the tavern test with flying colours had not yet been initiated into Merlin’s secret, two huntsmen and two butcher’s assistants. No chance of using magic. 

When they set up camp things did not improve. Merlin had improvised a way of dismounting that favoured his injured leg but it was hardly elegant and he found himself blushing with anger and embarrassment when Sir Lionel loudly commented on his lack of horsemanship drawing laughter from the huntsmen. Arthur did not hear, he was engrossed in conversation with his uncle.

Merlin was left to cook and though he thought he had worked out portions exactly it managed to come up one short. He suspected one of the butchers who has a suspicious gravy stain on his tunic. But hen he saw Agravaine's smile and wondered. Rather than make a fuss he just left the circle of the fire to lay out his bedroll. He did not even think to sleep next to Arthur. He knew Agravaine would object and though he did not like the man, he was happy that Arthur found comfort in his mother’s kin and did not want to be the cause of a row. Merlin lay out his bed roll outside the circle and lay down, stretching his leg. 

In a moment he heard rustling behind him. ‘Great’ he thought, ‘with my luck it will be a wolf come to eat me. Or one of the butchers taking a piss on top of me. On the whole I prefer the wolf’. 

It was neither. Sir Gareth moved closer and asked if he could sit down.  
“Lionel is snoring already and I don’t know anyone else” 

 

Merlin shoved over and the young knight settled beside him.  
“Would you like a pasty?” he said taking a rather solid pasty from his kit. “I noticed you didn’t take any food”  
Merlin ignored the last bit and asked why the young man was carrying food.  
“Gwaine” Gareth said as if it answered everything. When Merlin just looked at him he went on; “Gwaine said to always have some food in your kit in case you get kidnapped by trolls or have to go through caves or something.”

“That would be Gwaine” smiled Merlin taking some of the proffered food. Gareth did not say that Gwaine had also said “Look out for Merlin. The blithering idiot forgets to eat half the time. Needs to be reminded” Gareth did not understand the rest of Gwaine’s instructions: “and if you should see Merlin do anything...odd, don’t say a word to anyone just come to me and we’ll have a little chat” Given that it was Gwaine speaking, Gareth did not know what would be construed as odd. 

Gareth spoke of his childhood, his three sisters, whom he obviously adored and his little brother who even from his self depreciating stories obviously adored him. When Gareth left, Merlin felt much more relaxed. 

 

“You can come out now” he said to the shadows.  
Arthur detached himself from a tree and sat down. “You knew I was there” a statement not a question.  
“I always know where you are”  
“I brought you food but I was pre-empted” Arthur put down a tin plate with one half of the food eaten to a very clear line down the middle. “We share” he said softly.  
“You noticed?”  
“I always notice when you’re an idiot.”  
Merlin smiled.  
“He’s a good lad” Arthur said referring to Gareth.  
“He’s older than I was when I came to Camelot” said Merlin. “We’re still young Arthur, we just don’t feel it.”  
“Well I don’t when I see kids like him” Arthur replied. His hand, hanging by his side just happened to brush Merlin’s hair “but then I remember other things” he said, not looking at Merlin.  
“Come on” he went on, “You are too far from the fire. Move your things to where they should be”  
“Lord Agravaine? He might not approve” said Merlin  
“My uncle puts great store in the importance of blood. I have learned better, maybe he will too. Being a prat is not a permanent thing. Now move” he pulled Merlin up and went towards the fire. “Wait. Is that why you did not ride with me? Oh Merlin!” in his voice was pity and irritation. “Tomorrow you...” 

 

“No, I won’t cause an argument between you two. And besides I think my horse is having a thing with the pack horse. They kept having a whickery conversation on the way. It was sweet. She’d be mad if I took her away.  
Arthur looked at him. “Why do you always make things easy for me?”  
“Because everyone else makes it difficult”


	3. To be trusted is a greater compliment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur realises how far Merlin would go to protect him and has to decide what limits should he put on trust.

As far as the kitchen was concerned, the hunt was a great success. There would be venison and wild boar aplenty for the Mid Winter feast and Camelot would be happy. Merlin thought it was a disaster. Arthur was scratched by a boar’s tusk and though the wound was slight, Merlin was aware of the dangers.

“Couldn’t you have stepped sideways” he complained as he cleaned the wound.  
“I did step sideways, Merlin, it wasn’t aiming at my leg” 

Merlin continued to fuss, not even noticing Agravaine’s disapproval as he took his place beside the Prince’s horse, moved his bedroll within touching distance of Arthur and practically snarled if anyone tried to get between them. Despite his efforts Arthur had a low fever by the time they reached Camelot. 

The fever abated but it left the Prince weak and, despite his protests, dizzy. Arthur was a bad patient. He grumbled and complained about everything Gaius wanted him to do. Merlin took this a good sign and had every hope of complete recovery – if Arthur allowed it and that appeared unlikely. 

 

Leon had returned from patrol with news of a raiding party heading towards the outlying villages. Arthur, an instinctive military leader saw this as an opportunity. 

“If they follow the same pattern as before we have a good idea where they’ll strike next.” He pointed to a village marked on a crudely drawn map he pulled from his cupboard. “Leon, you take five of my Knights and fifty men at arms and set up a perimeter. Arm the villagers. I will take the remainder of my knights and strike at their base while the main force is away. We have the chance to remove this threat permanently”

“Do we know where their base is?” asked Lancelot  
“You’re not going” blurted Merlin. 

Arthur ignored him. “We know. Or at least I have a fairly good idea. Merlin was able to describe the route raiders took him last year. Though...” he said turning to Merlin and smiling “if you have any idea how many burnt trees with wavy branches there are east of Camelot you would have been slightly more precise.”

 

Merlin was not smiling  
“You’re not going” he repeated. Arthur glared at him.  
“This is the chance we have been waiting for, to take them by surprise and stop this once and for all” he said directly to Merlin.

“You are not recovered. You can’t take on a campaign yet”  
“That is my job, Merlin”  
Leon, Lancelot and Gawine felt the tension between the two. Lancelot remained impassive and Gwaine was fascinated but Leon wished himself anywhere else. 

“If you try to leave Camelot before you are recovered I will use my magic to stop you if you burn me for it” Merlin voice was low but determined.

Arthur stood “You would use magic against me?” he said coldly.

Leon flinched. This was where everything changed. 

“*For you*, always for you” Merlin said quietly. 

Arthur swayed as dizziness overcame him. “Are you using magic now?”

“No”

“Fuck” said Arthur, sitting down quickly.

 

Leon was startled. He could not remember ever hearing the Prince swear.

Merlin approached the Prince and gently laid his hand on Arthur’s.  
“You’re not better, Arthur, you will be but you are not better yet. If you go now you will put yourself and your men in danger.” He touched his forehead to Arthur’s. “please” he whispered “don’t”. 

 

For Leon, witnessing this intimacy was even more embarrassing than seeing them fight. Then Lancelot really earned his name for bravery.

“Sire, could I take the raid on the base? I know I do not have your skills, but...” 

Arthur looked at him and took a leap of faith. He sighed. “Yes” he said.  
“With Merlin’s help, I know we can do it” Gwaine said  
“NO” said Arthur and Merlin simultaneously

“It is too dangerous” /“Arthur needs me”

“Fuck” said the Prince once more, his eyes locked on Merlin.  
“Yeah” said Merlin  
“You have to go”  
“Yes”

 

There was silence as the two spoke only with their eyes. Leon wished he could just disappear through a crack in the floor. Gwaine just grinned. Finally he took pity on Leon.

“So if this is all settled, do we have a plan?” he said. Arthur broke eye contact and resumed his military role, planning, considering options, tactics, weapons. 

Merlin looked on, trying to pay attention but feeling shaken. He feared he had gone too far, pushed too much. Maybe he really was too presumptuous. All the anxiety-fuelled anger dissipated and he just felt anxious. He was still anxious when the knights left and he was alone with his prince.

 

Arthur felt sick and dizzy and unsettled. He was sending Merlin to battle, alone, and that terrified him. But there was more, a new source of unease. Merlin would use magic on him? He had never really thought about it before but now the idea was there and would not go away. Merlin would use magic. On him. Had he already? Arthur felt sicker than before. 

He tried to look at Merlin with detachment. “You will need to pack carefully for tomorrow, and make sure Gaius gives you a salve for the leg, you will be riding hard.”

 

Merlin swallowed hard.  
“Say it Arthur. Say what you need to say”

“You would use magic on me?” 

 

Merlin sighed. He tried to keep his voice steady as he spoke but his fists clenching and unclenching at his side showed his emotions.

“Understand this” he said, “I would do anything, Anything, to keep you safe, even if it meant you hating me, or casting me aside or killing me. Anything to keep you safe. Even magic. Even that.” His shoulders slumped and his breath came in short gasps. 

 

Arthur turned away.

“I don’t know..” he began hesitatingly and then started again. “I don’t like the idea of anyone being able to control me or make me do anything ... I”

“That’s it, that’s the problem” said Merlin interrupting. “That is why people fear magic. Why your father wants to destroy it. No one wants to lose control or worse not know if your actions are your own. I can swear that I would never use magic on you without telling you but you would never know if I did. You will always doubt. It’s a matter of trust. And no one trusts the one who *can* do something not to do it.” 

 

Merlin sounded defeated and in truth he was. He had been dreading this moment since his return, the moment when Arthur really evaluated his magic and rejected it.

“I can’t help who I am” he went on, “my magic is part of me. I can only be me”

 

Merlin was the image of dejection when Arthur turned to look at him and it hurt the prince to see him so broken, even though a part of Arthur was still troubled by magic. 

‘A matter of trust’ Merlin had said. Did he trust this man? His logic said yes. Merlin had kept his promise not to use magic despite the cost. In his place, Arthur did not know if he had sworn not to fight could he have resisted picking up a weapon under the same provocation. 

But more than that Arthur knew that for him, not trusting Merlin was not an option. A world where Merlin betrayed him would not be worth living in and not trusting him would imply that was possible. He surrendered totally. 

 

“I trust you” he said. “My life is in your hands”  
Merlin tried to smile but failed.  
“Your life is everything to me” he whispered. 

 

They were closer now, almost touching. Arthur leant forward, touching Merlin’s forehead with his own. When he spoke his voice was low and strained  
“You are riding to battle tomorrow and I cannot go with you. If my life means everything to you, protect your own. I do not know how to live without you”  
Merlin sighed and agreed with a kiss. 

 

oOo

 

In the morning, Merlin was fidgeting at the doorway looking nervous. Arthur thought he understood. Merlin was going to have to follow the trail his captors had taken him more than a year before. Merlin’s report was embedded in his memory and though he had skirted over much of what was done to him, the omissions told their own story. Arthur had intended to be with him when he made this journey and cursed the boar’s tusk that prevented it. He tried to think of something to say that could make up for his absence but failed. 

But Merlin was not yet thinking of that. He had another idea and though he thought the timing was not good he feared waiting. He called to Arthur. 

“I um, well, I was going to give this to you anyway, and don’t think this means I won’t be back or anything because I will, it’s just I... well it’s not just me and if... well... here”

He thrust a small package into Arthur’s hands. The Prince unwound the wrapping and found the familiar shape of his mother’s seal. 

“How did you get this?”  
“The goldsmith.” Merlin did not elaborate.  
“You couldn’t...how...?” Arthur looked at him with worry.  
“My back pay” Merlin said smiling. “And help from some of the others, Meg, Jinny, Tom, they wanted to give you something”  
Arthur felt tears prick at his eyelids and tried to blink them away. Then he gave a short laugh.

“I was going to give this to you. As a Winter Hansel. I had it planned. Before Chilham That’s why it mattered, selling it ..” He sighed deeply, his voice wavering. “I wanted you to have this” 

 

A surge of emotion swept through Merlin as he understood the implications of that.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea now really. The others might get a bit...jealous.” He smiled as he spoke but his voice was thick with emotion.

“I think you should give it to your son. Or daughter. Daughter would be better...”

 

Arthur went very still. 

 

“Merlin?” he said looking at him with questioning eyes.  
“I took an oath Arthur. Not to hinder you or thwart you or stand in your right path. I knew exactly what I was saying. When you need me to go I will go.”  
Arthur reached out. “Merlin, I will never need you to go”  
Merlin just smiled, but his eyes were sad.  
“No” said Arthur, alarm in his voice “you cannot leave thinking that. You cannot face a battle with that idea. You must...”

“Be positive?” said Merlin, trying to switch mood. But Arthur was having none of it. He realised suddenly what he needed to say.

“Be you” he said. “Be what you are. Be all you are.” He paused, trying to explain. “When I have a sword in my hand it feels like it belongs. Like it is part of me. When I spar or fight, every move is like... it’s real Merlin, I’m real, that is me. Be what you are. Let your magic be as real as the sword. Don’t hide it or excuse it or apologise for it. Be you and be safe for me” the last words were whispered as he drew closer. “Don’t do anything stupid Merlin” he breathed.


End file.
